Support of IVF is Selfish: IVF is Murder

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April 12, 2018, An open letter to the Anonymous person in Oklahoma City

Yesterday I received an anonymous hand-written letter postmarked from Oklahoma City, OK. The note was full of hateful rhetoric from someone describing all who are affiliated with INCIID working for INCIID, volunteering with or otherwise supporting the INCIID mission, 1.) selfish for not choosing to adopt, 2.) evil for supporting the right of men and women to pursue IVF because IVF is evil, and unnatural, and 3.) supporters and encouragers of murder.  (See note below)

Scan of a hate note to INCIID on the Evils of IVF and referring to INCIID as murderers

Normally, I answer letters personally. However, since this person wrote the letter anonymously with no return address, I will answer it publicly and treat the sentiments and note as a “teachable moment”.

Periodically, INCIID runs across people who, for whatever reason, make the decision to see hateful rhetoric as their righteous duty as the “morality police”. They point out (anonymously) how others should think or act without feeling or empathy or even facts and circumstances many face as they make personal decisions about building a family.

For the record INCIID, is about providing attributable, comprehensive and cutting-edge information (not treatment) about high and low-tech treatments for multiple pregnancy loss, or infertility, adoption and even living childfree if that is one’s choice.

INCIID is a charity helping individuals and couples explore their family-building options without prejudice and without suppression. INCIID supports the dissemination of current information on diagnosis, treatment and prevention of pregnancy loss. Expanding or creating a family is an individual, and very personal decision. 

 “Don’t be Selfish – Just Adopt”

Personally, I found this idea laughable in a sad sort of way. Anyone who knows me personally knows we did adopt a child with special needs, a child that has trouble returning affection, a child with multiple neurophysiological disabilities and who cannot speak – A child we had to fight for,  just to bring her home so she wouldn’t die from starvation, neglect and abuse. An adult child, now, who we continue to provide with unconditional love, support and necessary therapies.  

When someone tells a couple who is having trouble conceiving to “just adopt”  or calls them selfish, they show their ignorance about adoption and the process of building a family. Adoption is not for everyone. There are many in the world who are not suited to adopt. The decision to adopt, to get treatment or live without children is individual, and highly personal.

Adoption is a huge responsibility and lifelong commitment no matter what.  As an adoptive parent myself, who has spent many years researching adoption and writing about it, I feel I am qualified to say – it is not for everyone, it’s a personal decision that should NEVER be made in haste and never without careful consideration.

What is really selfish is to adopt a child when the intended parents are not equipped to handle the circumstances that come (for example) with children adopted internationally who have many special needs, or from the foster care system where children have multiple issues including neglect and abuse.

Pregnant woman and ultrasound"IVF is Unnatural"

The dictionary definition of natural is to be in agreement with the character or makeup of, or circumstances surrounding, someone or something”. So, to that I would add that when a couple or individual decides it’s time to add to their family – depending on their make-up or individual circumstances, IVF would be quite natural. If someone has blocked tubes, IVF is a natural course to pursue.

If someone has cancer and needs high tech intervention to conceive IVF would be a very natural course to take. If there is a genetic link to some of the terrible diseases that hurt, and lead to the suffering and death of a child, IVF would be a natural course of action to take. Individuals who would become parents think carefully about how to avoid inflicting pain on their children. That again is unconditional love.

Pre-implantation genetic testing to prevent conception of a hereditary genetic disease can save parents and children from needless suffering because it can detect single gene defects/disorders. PGD can detect fatal and painful diseases Tay-Sachs and Niemann-Pick Diseases – both fatal and preventable with genetic testing.

How arrogant, short-sighted and devoid of caring might someone have to be to even consider making a decision for others who are dealing with such life and death decisions.

How arrogant must a person be to call those who chose IVF “murderers? How egotistical, self-important and condescending must the moral police be to accuse cancer survivors and those helping them build a family “murderers”.

To spew this hateful rhetoric is just devoid of love, caring and empathy.

In closing, to my friend in Oklahoma City, I would just say on one thing we agree, “LOVE IS RIGHT AND GOOD, CHOOSE LOVE.”

IVF Babies

INCIID could have taken a path to sell our mailing list, run on advertisements but instead we felt that there was a need to provide information freely and without strings attached. INCIID’s love of others, those going through infertility, those experiencing the trauma of losing a child were the reasons INCIID was founded. The INCIID message to all those experiencing the heartbreak of infertility is that they are not alone.

Love is sharing information and providing it to others freely without judging their decisions.

Love is patient and kind. Those who love unconditionally don’t call others murderers. Love doesn’t boast and become the morality police or try to shame others who may not share their views. Love doesn’t dishonor others who believe differently. Love is not self-serving. Instead, Love is patient, and kind. Love protects and trusts and provides hope. People may fail but love, unconditional love, never fails. 

Scan of a hate note to INCIID on the Evils of IVF and referring to INCIID as murderers
Pregnant woman and ultrasound
IVF Babies

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