A GRAB BAG OF COPING SKILLS FOR THE HOLIDAYS
By Helen Adrienne, LCSW, BCD

Coping can be thought of as learning to get out of your own way.  We all get tossed around in life and we all form defenses which make it possible to live in our early environment.  As we mature, we sometimes get stuck with learned patterns which resist change. Yet, when something as painful and demanding as infertility hits, we are called upon to adapt to an unwanted reality.  And our coping styles may need to evolve to a level of sophistication that goes beyond what we have had at our disposal. 

There are two other definitions of coping that suggest the kind of evolution that is demanded of us.  One is the rounded tile that is used to give a bathroom or kitchen wall or a swimming pool a finished edge.  And the other refers to the strips of fabric that go in between the sections of a quilt which help to make up for imperfections.  Infertility leaves us feeling at a loss and suggests that there is something more that is needed to create a sense of wholeness.

The following is a compilation* of the various coping strategies from which you can choose.  All strategies are more likely to be useable if you can    discipline yourself to 1) stop when you feel overwrought, 2) take a breather and 3) refer to this list so as to decide what would work better for you than what you’re doing.

COGNITIVE APPROACHES

Change any of the following:
Communication style
Environment
Schedule 
Responsibility
Family or work routine
Procedure
Life style habits
Do any of the following:
Make a pro-con list
Clarify values
Evaluate relationships
Notice stressors at home, at work, socially
Evaluate your needs
Build self-esteem
Set goals
Exercise, yoga, tai chi (to feel physical strength and relax the body)

EMOTIONAL APPROACHES
INVOLVING THE CONSCIOUS MIND

Exercise, yoga, tai chi (to release endorphins and relax the mind)
Learn relaxation techniques
Distract yourself
Monitor thoughts to avoid being trapped in negativity
Reframe situation in a better light (how is the glass half-full?)
Catharsis
Social support
Laugh
Release emotions into a journal
Recognize and release judgment
 
 

EMOTIONAL APPROACHES
WHICH INTERVENE THROUGH THE UNCONSCIOUS MIND

Affirmations, positive self-talk
Spirituality
Acceptance
Guided imagery or hypnosis tapes
Mindfulness
Purposeful breathing
Music, Dance, Singing, Chanting, Drumming
Art projects
Play  
Stories
Energy Healing such as Reiki
Massage

As you can see, there are many ways to break into the stress cycle.  You may be able to recognize one or several approaches that resonate which you could be relieved to appropriate.  Infertility is notorious for creating a need to think and feel clearly at the same time that it scrambles your brain.  If infertility does anything universally, it leaves people feeling out of control.   This list is designed to organize your options in a straight-forward way, giving you a fighting chance to feel mastery over these unwanted circumstances.

*The organization of this list is adapted from The Wellness Book by Herbert Benson, MD and Eileen Stuart, RN.

Helen Adrienne, LCSW, BCD

420 East 64th Street – 1D (East)
New York, NY 10021
212-758-0125
212-888-2558 (FAX)
HAMSW@aol.com
www.helenadrienne.com